I havesome good news though..First..Marie called monday night and it was so awesome to talk to her again...Just to relax and be myself and know she's theyre was awesome.However,it also kinda sucked because my phone died..and I had the intention of having her call so I could use the otehr phone..and she called and ofcourse that phone was dead too.I felt shitty..not only because I feel kinda like a jerk..but I really had a lot more I wanted to talk about..and I didnt tell her how much I've missed her and how much i care..which lately..Drives me insane..I think I'll call her tomarrow though=).I think it would be great for the both of us=)..because she sounds like she's bored out of her mind=(
However,I ended up doing really well on my history test! way better than I thought I did..and I'm very relieved...My instructer actually said he was impressed! and that means a lot because I respect him a lot and he's intelligent.I'm attending clases on a regular basis again,which is awesome=)..even though I'm an ass in the morning because I'm not used to my sleep scheduale yet.I guess this is what I'm trying to focus on,although I've fallen behind on my make up scheduale...Oh well..I HAVE to do some work tomarrow.
I guess I'm glad that things are returning to a state of stability and have calmed down a bit.However...I honestly have no idea what to make of it.I'm extremely manic.I can have a good time for a short time...and then that wears off quickly and I feel awfull again.I know that feeling lonely and shitty is normal considering my circumstances and what has happend.However,that doesn't help me feel any better.It's like getting bit by a Black widow spider and you feel the intense pain in your abdominal muscles and you get short of breath and someone says "Oh,that's your nurvous system shutting down.The venom is a neurotoxin,it's normal" The knowledge of these shitty feelings being normal doesn't lessen the pain at all..not even close.
I hav'nt done anything socially since Marie left.I don't do anything except sit around and think way too much about things which I'll never make sense of or come to anycsion that helps me feel better.Unfourtunetly I've become quite pesimistic and sardonic in my attitudes.I don't talk to anyone really.I'm scared.I'm afraid that I'm well on my way to becoming a total recluse...because..It's basicaly what I have been lately.I'm so afraid of it,yet there is this part of me that's actualy curiously infatuated with the idea of becoming a total hermit.even though it's an interesting idea..the idea of sensual anarchy..as much as we all like to be thought of as deep and interesting...it's not worth giving up your own happiness.To be act interesting at the compromise of your own happiness is completly ridiculous..
However,ridiculous is a good way to explain my emotions and logic lately...I'm starving for affection.