This heading sucks
(2002-08-04, 12:38 p.m.)
I just don't know.Iv'e probably just had the best week of the summer,and I'm feeling really optimistic.I feel like things are getting better for me and once college starts it could possibly be really awesome.But I'm just so scared..I hate uncertainty.I hate it.I just scares me so much.The thought of going to college and fucking up literally makes me instantly anxious.It makes me paranoid.I dunno,For as much as I hate being bored out of my mind and depressed,I've kinda grown used to it.It's actually almost even grown comforting.I dunno,I just don't,I I feel ready? yeah...but do I really feel ready to actually work and struggle? I don't feel like I am,and that's why it scares me so much.

I just don't have a really compatible personality with the majority of people.I'm extremely optimistic about meeting new people,but I really doubt it.When I meet new people they often just make me feel weird.I feel like I'm either going to weird them out,offend them,or scare them.This sounds really bad,but I find most people to be quite typical and boring at my age.I meet people,and then like after about a month I'm usually completely bored by them...and then what the hell am I supposed to say? I feel like an asshole.I don't mean it,but I do.Also,I think when you meet people who are supposedly "intresting",they just end up being complete idiots dependent on their knowledge and everyone's perception that knowledge=intelligence.It's so boring.So what type of people do I tend to like? I dont really have a type.They usually are very intelligent ,interesting, Hilarious,and caring and..I dunno,If I really like someone the only way I describe themselves...marie is Marie and crystal is Crystal.=)

I just don't know,sometimes I feel like I'm headed for a life of isolation.Sometimes I feel like I'll never meet any really neat people again.I just feel like I'm destined to be lonely and tucked away inside a little house or apartment and just immersing myself in my job(yuck) and buying all these books and encyclopedias and scientific equipment and never talk to anyone except maybe a couple of cats and just immerse myself in it all and writing down ideas and making music and writing stories and poetry and drawing and then taking it all and create my own little isolated world.I'll probably get so disconnected that I will probably lose any communication skills I had and become some schitzophrenic with all of these severe panic disorders and then if I ever get out I'll probably end up in some mental hospital.I dunno,I just have that fear because I could see how it could happen.I'm just so afraid of the future....I don't know what's going to happen,and I know that I don't have the ability to deal with things that bring me a lot of pain.I'm not good at that at all.But I dunno,I guess theres always hope.=)